we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
