dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
