So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
