i permit you to call me
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
