Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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