Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
