Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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