I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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