I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize