So drunk its hurt
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
