Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
