i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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