I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
