Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
