well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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