I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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