I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
