Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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