Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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