My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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