there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize