if you like me you must not know who I am
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
