so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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