I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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