First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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