i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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