I just cut my nipple shaving
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
