Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
