Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's rum buckets o'clock
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
