After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
