This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
