I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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