I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
