She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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