i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize