I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
