your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
