You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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