Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
