yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
