Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Everything about him screamed your future.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
