So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
