Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
