Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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