I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Semen is not good for contacts.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize