if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize