i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
