We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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