census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
