i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
