Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
