im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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