What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
