Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
