Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize