just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I feel like a drive thru vagina
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize