when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He felt like a one man threesome
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
