i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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