she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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